Communication Skills

Newlyweds: Letting Go of Your Stuff

By cjliu | September 7, 2020

CJ interviews Marni Jameson, author of “Downsizing the Blended Home” to help couples create a “blended home.” The challenge with marriage and remarriages today is blending contents from two households together into one household. In the interview, Marni provides tips on how to fairly, sensitively, and artfully cut the combined contents by half and blend what’s left of two homes into one beautiful arrangement.

One important thing to consider during this blending is making space for your new partner and new life together. It may seem trivial, but as a couple you must figure out what you will do with 2 televisions, 2 queen beds, etc. Marni’s rule of thumb is that 1 house + 1 house must = 1 house. Both of you must get rid of at least ½ of your stuff.

Marni explains her own experience in her book “We were fast discovering that when two houses become one, something’s got to go, and you don’t want it to be the relationship. Downsizing two homes to blend into one can either lead to an ugly turf war, where a clash of styles leaves behind a tsunami of hurt feelings, or a harmonious blending that lets each person shed and evolve, and that brings out and blends the best of both.” The psychology of letting go of stuff is really about letting go of the past and making room for the future; in this case, the new relationship.

Combining Houses with Kids

This is even more complicated when kids are involved. Today, 60 percent of families live in some form of divorced or step-family relationship, where one or both partners have children from a prior marriage. These children may live with their parent full-time, part-time, or just to visit. In America, 1,300 new step-families form every day. Thus, when couples merge lives and furniture, they are also very often blending kids. Whether they visit daily or only on holidays, every child needs to feel—and see—that they have a place in the home. Marni explains that how she worked with her daughter in her new house.

During this merging of kids, it’s important to understand the psychological issues that your child is really addressing. Children are wondering “where do I fit in” with this newly transformed family. Kids want to know if they have a physical and mental place in the new family, and where that is. The parent’s job is not only to say but to show these kids that the answer is unequivocally yes. That answer will come through in how you set up the home.

Five Tips on How to Make Kids Feel at Home

1. PROVIDE EQUAL REPRESENTATION. You do not have to create a shrine to your kids, but you do have to showcase or represent each child evenly.

2. CREATE A SPACE FOR THEM. Every child should have a place in the house that is just theirs. This doesn’t have to be a room but can be a shelf, a chest, a desk, a drawer or two, according to design psychologist Dr. Toby Israel. The space needs to be respected. Don’t violate it by putting other things there when they’re not around. This provides their tether to the house, and is psychologically important.

3. DISPLAY PHOTOS WITH INTENTION. Although you may have one child who is camera shy and another who loves the limelight, be sure the photos on display show all offspring equally. The family photo wall or table is very symbolic, and is an opportunity to show the blended family coming together. The kids will be looking, believe me, at how they fit in, and who’s most prominent. If all photos can share similar frames, that also makes a statement.

4. PICK YOUR MUST HAVES: Marni explains that each person got to pick 5 things that had to make it into the house. The remaining items were then placed to the side and used when appropriate and when aesthetically pleasing.

5. BUY SOMETHING NEW: Even though Marni explains that you should get rid of ½ of yourself, you want to make room to buy something that represents the new family. Perhaps, a new bed, new painting, or new coach.

In the interview, Marni explains how her husband and she decided which couch, dining room table, etc went into their blended home. She explains what happens to the table that must go and how she made peace with letting go of her family dining room table with cherished family memories.