CJ Liu interviews Val Walker about her book “400 Friends and No One to Call,” about social isolation and loneliness. This interview has been broken up into four short, digestible segments.
Part 1: Social Isolation and Loneliness
In the first part of the four part series, Val describes the difference between social isolation and loneliness. One of the reasons we are so lonely is that we are missing genuine and meaningful conversations. Val shares research that 2 out of 5 people have no one to talk to about their problems. Social media and daily distractions make it even harder for people to listen and engage in deeper conversation. This is particularly harder for baby boomers who may take offense to conversations with people who are distracted.
Part 2: Comforting Others During Hard Times
It’s often hard to contact someone when we anticipate that they are going through challenging times. What do we say or do when someone has lost a loved one, a job, or is overwhelmed by stress? This is particularly hard when we can’t conveniently say “it will be alright” or “soon things will change.” Most people choose to just do nothing, which can make the situation worse. Despite this feeling of awkwardness, it’s important to check-in with our friends. Val explains how important it was for her when her friends say “I’ve been thinking of you.” Most people want to fix or say something encouraging during a time of hardship. Despite the best intentions of the listener, sometimes it’s just about being there and being present. The best thing you can do is to listen and if you want draw the person out to share more. And when you do listen, don’t expect to solve everything (or anything). Some times the help comes through short moments of support, or just sitting with someone and saying nothing.
Part 3: Why Gen Y, Z Feel Lonely and Isolated
Val shares market research that show that GenZ are as lonely or more lonely than those 65 and older. It’s very common with younger adults to feel nervous around casual conversation and avoidant of social situations. Those that might have a harder time with social isolation include:
Those that are unsure of being judged,
have had bad experiences, or
are used to comparing and contrasting themselves to others.
Val shares strategies that she suggests for icebreakers, such as:
Sharing articles,
Spotify playlists, or
watch parties as a way to share about yourself.
Part 4: Covid-19 and Mental Health Helplines for Social Anxiety
It’s very common during isolation for people to lose their confidence in talking. In her book, Val offers a few ideas for those that have social anxiety and need to practice the art of conversing. She suggests that someone join a MeetUp for those that have social anxiety (https://www.meetup.com/topics/social-anxiety/) and finding a group that have common interests that resonates with you. Another way to connect with others is through volunteering. If taking the first step is intimidating, then maybe getting support may be helpful. There are special resources to get help for COVID. If you need to talk you can try: https://www.samhsa.gov/, http://211.org/ or https://www.crisistextline.org/about-us/faq/ (send text 741741).
More on Val Walker
Val is a contributing blogger for Psychology Today and the author of The Art of Comforting (Penguin/Random House, 2010) which won the Nautilus Book Award. With a Master of Science degree in rehabilitation counseling from Virginia Commonwealth University, she has explored and developed the practice of comforting others since facilitating her first support group in 1993 for people living with cancer. Reaching isolated and disadvantaged communities for twenty-four years, she has organized and led support groups, outreach initiatives, and training programs for people living with serious illness, disability, grief, and trauma.
Val’s articles, interviews, and contributions have appeared in publications such as Time Magazine, AARP, Caregiver Space, Parade, Hello Giggles, Healthy Aging Magazine, Marie Claire, Good Housekeeping, Coping with Cancer, Babyboomer.com, Boston Globe Magazine, Chicago Tribune, McClean’s (Canada), Sweety High and others.
Blogging on the topic of breaking out of isolation, she also contributes to the Boston-based Health Story Collaborative, founded by Annie Brewster, MD, of Massachusetts General Hospital.
Val is represented by Peter Rubie of FinePrint Literary Management.
